As yet another night of acute insomnia sets in I start thinking...maybe that's the problem, if I only I could stop thinking. One minute its about the long day ahead, I need a clear mind, I need to focus, and then I flit to what to wear to my friends forthcoming wedding and will my shoes match the dress I just ordered? And then, for some reason, I picture that frail silhouette of Amy Winehouse. Yes I know there have been far too many tragedies over the past few weeks and why focus on this? As some say, she only had herself to blame, however I don't think it's that simple...in fact I think it is far from the truth.
You see addiction is a disease. You only have to envisage the horror and depths of despair that an addict will go to before you see that it is simply not their fault. When I see addicts wandering the streets of my home town I often ponder how long they have been sleeping 'rough' for? Months, weeks or mere days? Shoes are often a good indication. I find my emotions run high and my mind goes into overdrive and, when I recently was stopped late one night by a guy begging, we got to talking. He asked if I could 'spare any change', I asked him what he needed it for, if he said anything other then the local night shelter I wasn't sure I would oblige and feed whatever habit he had (how judgmental of me!). Instead he responded saying he wanted to call his kid, so I dialed the number and handed him my phone. You see he wanted to say good night to his kid, tell him that daddy loves him. What broke my heart was that right now daddy loved crack more then his son...which brings me to my point, no one in their 'right mind' would choose a habit over their own child.
Now I don't mean to get all deep and meaningful but there is something in that, you see people like Amy are not in their right mind, but I don't necessarily mean due to the drugs. I mean, she was a genius. Say what you like about the girl but that was God-given talent all at her disposal. A talent far beyond her own grasp and understanding, through which her only way of dealing with it was to dispose of it.
What is so often the case with talented, gifted, geniuses is their inability to communicate, to find someone on their level who gets their intellect, their art, whatever you want to call it. It in fact becomes an affliction. Something they want to dumb down or in effect dumb themselves down. Their over-active brains need a rest, something drink and drugs can certainly help with. Now believe me, this is not from experience, but sheer observation. Take Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe, to name but a few. I often think of Richie from the Manic Street Preachers, someone whose intelligence was of such an affliction that it drove him to throw himself off the Severn Bridge, or so his left behind shoes would have you believe. You see the affliction of an addict starts with something far greater then that bottle of gin or a gram of coke.
The road to recovery is long. Once an addict, always an addict. Recovery can only be sought if an addict is truly ready to let go, give up and hope that life without a habit is full of ...well anything that isn't in a bottle of booze or a bag of pills. It is a force far greater then you, it has a hold over you that is invisible yet unbearably powerful. So when you next tutt your way past a drunk or are annoyed over a friend who seems erratic or distant, spare a thought for their afflictions.
For some there truly is no peace. Whether intentional or accidental, their demons take over. Lets pray that Amy has found her peace...as in her own words, this is 'inevitable withdrawal'.
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